“A Healthy, Happy Child Needs You”: How My Mom Helped Me Cope With Parenthood

When I was in seventh grade, my best friend said she was very jealous of the way our family lives. I did not betray so much importance then – well, I said and said. And in general, what to envy him? After all, unlike us, they have a new renovation, and it’s scary to look at our bathroom! During this time, a friend saw and appreciated what I took for granted. It was only after many years that I realized that these benefits were not something taken for granted, but a rare gift.

My mother, Sofia Andreevna Rykova, was born in 1966 in a family of teachers. She spent her childhood in Voronezh, after school she entered Voronezh State University, became a mathematician, but she did not teach this subject for a long time – later she received a second higher education and became a music teacher. In 1992, my mother married my father, Nikolai Vasilievich, in 1993 I was born, and in 1996 my sister Tanya was born.

What still arouses in me admiration, gratitude and the desire to be the same parent as my mother? You can talk about it for a long time.

First of all, my sister and I have never heard of “a girl should” – for example, wear dresses or not climb trees. Mom thought a child is a child. He runs, jumps, rips his pants, soils his blouses, it’s completely normal. Does the girl want to play war games and wear blue shorts? Great, let it be.

Second, we were introduced to body positivity when no one had heard of it before. Someone said that girls are overweight and need to lose weight? Mom was immediately interested in knowing why, in fact, a person believes that our weight is his affair.

Grandfather, whom I loved very much (and for good reason!), had the annoying habit of focusing on the fact that my sister and I were too fat. Of course, he did it with the best of intentions – he was worried about the health of his granddaughters. Mom respected her father very much and was even a little scared. But when it came to us, she was always adamant: don’t get in the way of the children eating normally. She told us that we looked great and that health issues should be discussed not with others, but with the doctor.

So it was with everything. Do you want to get rid of the hair on your legs? Great, let’s buy a razor. But first, think about why you’re doing it. These are the problems that can arise – I’m not scaring you, but I want to warn you about them. Manicure? Please if you like, but remember regular nails look great too. But the bite, for example, was corrected for me, spending a huge amount of money on it. Yes, expensive, but necessary for health.

Third, we always knew who to turn to for unconditional moral support. It doesn’t matter what we did or how wrong we were. We knew there was no need to lie – they would always listen to us. Yes, they can punish, but fairly and proportionately – usually through the “reimburse damages” method. Mom had a taboo for any physical punishment – even a slap on the back of the head in our family was “forbidden”.

Fourth, my mother never got tired of taking care of us. I really enjoyed when I became a mother myself. For me, three hours with a baby is a real test, and after a day I start climbing the wall. Talking with an adult child, teaching him something, walking – please. But role-playing games or many hours of imitating a train are somewhere outside my universe. And mom… Mom could play Cinderella with me all day.

Fifth, my mother treated children as individuals and respected our boundaries. I remember me from the age of two and a half – even then they listened to me, talked to me. I wasn’t afraid to leave my diary or my childhood poems in a prominent place because I knew no one would read them until I gave permission.

My grandmother (oh, I would love to devote a separate article to her!) likes to repeat that it takes a whole village to raise a child. This tradition is observed in our family – a young mother receives unconditional support and full assistance.

My husband and I were very young, even young, when we became parents. I’m afraid to imagine what our life would have become without my mother. In many ways, thanks to her, I managed to overcome postpartum depression – and after all, most of the 60s generation still doesn’t believe it. Mom didn’t know the scientific intricacies, but she had a high enough empathy to understand: her daughter’s discord is not a whim or fatigue, but a pathological condition. My husband also helped, who not only firmly resisted my tantrums, but also insisted on seeing a psychiatrist.

Even now, many think it’s impossible to get tired and even more so to suffer from motherhood – what about when we first became parents! But my mother knew full well that was not the case. She arranged for us to “sleep” regularly – we left our son with her, and we ourselves went to a country house or a mother-in-law, and there we went to bed. Mom gave us the opportunity not to sit between four walls – thanks to her, we were even able to travel.

When, after the divorce, I moved to Moscow to earn a better life, my mother remained “on the hook”. Of course, she couldn’t live with me and her son all the time, but she came to my first call. When it didn’t work out with kindergarten, when I was so tired that I couldn’t do motherly duties normally, when I was sick, my mother always came to the rescue and took her grandson with her in Voronezh.

Perhaps it would be more correct to say that I helped her, and not she helped me. But it wasn’t just physical support – it was never followed by “moral” sanctions. In difficult times, I couldn’t see my son for weeks and I would say “hello”. But my mother never said anything like that and always said, “The child needs you healthy and happy.”

Do you think mom completely immersed herself in my life? Nothing like! She is amazing and versatile. Taking care of her grandson did not prevent her from pursuing a second cycle of higher education at the age of 40, and she went to study, despite resistance from her second spouse. She writes poetry and songs, works of a philosophical nature, together with a relative and a friend organizes classical music concerts.

Today I want to say to this incredible woman: I am happy that you are my mother. Thank you for everything you have done and are doing for us!