Has technology made it more difficult to find romantic relationships?
Technology has provided innovative opportunities to find romantic or sexual partners. But has it changed our behavior around dates and relationships?
To find out, science writer David Robson spoke to Paul C. Brunson, a global relationship expert on the dating app Tinder and author of the new book Find Love: How to Navigate Modern Love and Discover the Right Partner for You (“Finding love: how to navigate modern love and discover the right partner for you”, in free translation).
Watch the interview:
David Robson: Is it true that finding a partner is now more difficult than ever?
Paul C. Brunson: Finding a partner has always been an important decision. But based on the research I conducted for this book, I truly believe that finding and maintaining love today is more difficult than at any other time in human history.
One reason is that today there are more variations of what is considered an acceptable relationship. You can be monogamous or in a polyamorous relationship, you can live together or separately – there are dozens and dozens of acceptable ways. And that makes finding a partner who meets your goals an even bigger challenge.
Secondly, we demand more from our partner than before.
In the past it was the person who helped protect or raise children or take care of the farm. Then, as you grew up, your partner became someone who kept you company.
But now, as you speak [o psicólogo] Eli Finkel in his search – we have reached a point of “self-evolution”, where we look for everything in our partner.
We want them to be equal intellectually, we want them to be the CEO [diretor-executivo] of the company that we’re going to launch, we want him to be a great parent, we want him to be a phenomenal sexual partner.
Robson: What about technology? Some people seem to feel overwhelmed by the opportunities to meet new people.
Brunson: We fool ourselves with the paradox of choice.
We believe we have infinite options. But really, if you installed 100 dating apps, how many real dates would you get this week? There are limits, we don’t have as many choices as we think.
Robson: In your book you describe another apparent paradox: the fact that, on average, people are less satisfied with their relationships, but the 20% of people who are happiest with their partner are more satisfied than ever. How do you explain it?
Brunson: Many marriages today have low levels of satisfaction for a variety of reasons.
For example, we know there are more choices, we believe in weed [do vizinho] It’s greener and we also have more knowledge. You can evaluate your bonding style, for example, on the Internet and find out whether your bond or that of your partner is strong or not.
Robson: Could this create doubts about the relationship?
Brunson: Yes, many people are dissatisfied. But some use these tools to their advantage.
They are trying to figure out what is missing in their relationship so they can improve. They inspire each other to work to improve their well-being.
In other words, there is a smaller percentage of very satisfied people and a large percentage, unfortunately, with less satisfaction.
Robson: You mentioned attachment styles. How do they reflect our childhood experiences with our caregivers and how do they influence our relationships in adulthood?
Brunson: You have secure attachment, which is essentially someone who, when their caregiver was absent, felt secure and able to take care of themselves. They knew their caregiver would return.
You have the anxious attachment style: if the caregiver left the room and returned, it would take some time to re-establish themselves because they would be anxious if the caregiver would leave again.
There is the escape bonding style: if the caregiver left the room and returned, the child would not care. He believed that the caregiver didn’t actually care about her and, therefore, she could only trust herself.
And the fourth category is “disorganized,” which is a combination of avoidance and anxiety.
The way we form bonds in childhood is often the same way we bond with our loved ones in adulthood.
Therefore, you see someone with an anxious style always worried that his partner will leave him. Someone who has an avoidant style will not open up emotionally to their partner. And the confident style will essentially be healthier.
Attachment styles have become very popular, but it is important to know the cultural differences and nuances. A child considered anxious in one region may be considered safe in another because he was raised differently.
Robson: Considering your work on Tinder, what kinds of mistakes do people make in their online dating strategies?
Brunson: There are several errors. One of them is not doing your homework to identify the purpose of the relationship, because there are many variations.
We have now installed a feature on Tinder that allows you to select your relationship goal. Because if you’re looking for a long-term partner but I’m looking for a short-term partner and we start a relationship, it’s going to be a disaster.
Another big problem is that the photos are terrible. People don’t have recent photos and when they show up for the appointment they look nothing like the photo. It may seem like they are intentionally deceiving others, but this is not the case.
You know, when I joined Tinder two years ago, I had to open an account to see what it was all about and I uploaded a photo from probably 12 years ago. Now the person [com quem eu trabalhava] on Tinder it said: “Paul, you don’t look like that.”
We all think we are similar to what we were 10 years ago, but that’s not the case. You need to have three to five photos: one with a real smile, one that shows you full body, and a few photos of you doing something that is your passion.
Finally, include a few beige flags (curious information) in your profile. They are those things that people may find eccentric, but they are part of you.
One beige flag That I [pessoalmente] What I can provide is that I play once a month [o jogo de RPG] Dungeons and Dragons. Many people can make generalizations and walk away. But there will always be another interested group.
And the fact that I included this information shows how much self-esteem I have, because I’m proving it to everyone.
Robson: Are there big differences between generations when looking for dates?
Brunson: We need to understand that Generation Z in your city or town may be different from Generation Z in another city or town, but there are differences between generations. And one of the things I love is that they value authenticity.
In our Tinder research, we found that the determining factor in deciding whether to go on a second date is whether they feel comfortable with their partner.
In all previous generations, physical attraction was the main factor. Now, physical attraction still comes second [para a geração Z]but we are making progress.
*Paul C. Brunson’s book Finding Love: How to Navigate Modern Love and Discover the Right Partner for You was published by Vermilion.
** David Robson is an award-winning science writer. His next book (in English) is titled The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies that Will Transform Your Life, which will be published in June 2024 by Canongate (in the UK) and Pegasus Books (in the US and Canada). His account on X (formerly Twitter) is @d_a_robson. He can also be found under the handle @davidarobson on Instagram and Threads.
Read the original version of this report (in English) on the site BBC Innovation.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
