‘Let’s tag each other!’: how to stop ghost friends

Maintaining friendships in adulthood between work, family and daily commitments seems impossible. But with a little creativity, it’s possible to keep the connections alive and present.

“We need to make an appointment to see each other!”

This seems to be an almost universal phrase among adult friends. A message that we have probably already sent and received.

At that moment we have the best intentions and really want to meet our friends. But with work, family and endless to-do lists, a simple meeting can turn into a logistical nightmare.

Yes, we have to meet. But we rarely do it.

This explains why the research indicates that we lose about half of our friends every seven years.

It’s not that we have suddenly become “fundamentally incompatible”, according to psychologist Marisa Franco, but because relationships change depending on the stages of life.

Whether we move in with a partner, get married, focus on our careers, or start a family, friendships become “the easiest place for collateral damage” between men and women, explains writer Dolly Alderton.

The question becomes how to maintain the same closeness while spending less time together.

Relationship expert Claire Cohen is the author of the book Best friend? The truth about female friendship (“Best friends forever? The truth about female friendship”, in free translation). She recently had a child and is experiencing this situation directly.

Cohen found herself in “identity limbo” between her old friends and the new group of mothers she met at parenting classes. He says he wants a whole group, not just people meeting the “new me.”

To that end, she became more transparent, vulnerable, and creative in how she approached her friendships during this difficult life transition.

Recently, Cohen discovered that she wasn’t invited to a certain social event. She spoke kindly, explaining that she would like to continue receiving invitations, even though she was busy with motherhood.

His honesty sparked conversations.

Cohen says her friend was “reassuring.” She explained that she thought she was “being nice” by giving space, unaware of the damage she had caused.

Their friendship strengthened and they took time to meet, albeit for a “mundane connection”, completing homework together. But your experience shows how crucial honest communication is.

Science highlights the importance of friendships. A wide social circle is believed to have the same impact on longevity as diet and exercise combined.

Friendship combats what Franco calls “relational loneliness,” the loss of deeper platonic bonds necessary for healthy human connection.

“Even if you’re with someone and you really like them, you can still feel lonely if you don’t have any friends,” explains the psychologist.

Open your arms to disorder

Making room for friendships as our lives change requires us to accept changing circumstances and experience discomfort.

That means welcoming our friends into our messy lives, rather than waiting for perfect moments, says psychologist Julia Samuels.

Going to the gym, running errands, or grocery shopping with a newborn? Bring a friend with you.

For friendships to exist, we must create space for them, no matter how small or unusual the setting.

“If they can’t, they can’t. But put it on the agenda,” advises Samuels.

In this way we will have the possibility of a personal meeting which, according to experts, should be the priority, even more so in the era of instant messaging.

Cohen agrees, especially since becoming a mother.

Of course, messages on WhatsApp help us stay in touch and let people know we’re thinking of them. But she thinks that this is a completely “unsatisfactory” substitute during first motherhood.

And many of us fell into this trap after the pandemic, according to Franco. Lockdowns have normalized “conscious solitude”, that is, considering isolation as an acceptable standard, combined with an excessive reliance on virtual communication.

To avoid this, according to her, we must remember that socialization is like a muscle: the more we practice it, the easier it becomes.

For people who need to be pushed away, Franco recommends trying to reframe the way we think, imagining how happy we will be in the future, without focusing on pre-meeting fears.

“When it comes to social connection, we simply underestimate how happy it will make us and how much value it will bring,” he explains.

Best friends forever?

So what can you do to rekindle a relationship?

Marisa Franco suggests a text or vocal message as the first olive branch, perhaps highlighting a specific memory to revive the bond.

She advises that it is important to remember the satisfaction gap (something like “likability gap,” in Portuguese), the disparity between how we think others perceive us and their actual opinion.

We must think of our friendships as “flexible rather than fragile” and trust that feelings do not wane in difficult or troubled times.

As for the gatherings themselves, Claire Cohen says “organized fun” like book clubs or pottery classes can ease tension and turn the occasion into a community event.

Finally, we must believe that we can truly count on our friends. Or, in the words of Julia Samuels:

“Trust that people like you more than you think and take the risk.”

Source: Terra

Ben

Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.