Does Iza have the right to forgive Yuri? Is online flirting a betrayal? Psychoanalyst’s comments

To forgive or not to forgive, that is the question. Singer Iza may be facing this dilemma. She has become close to Yuri Lima, who returned to her home a few weeks after the cheating scandal.

There is speculation online about a reconciliation in the name of their daughter Nala, who is due in October. The artist’s publicist refuses to comment on her personal life, adding fuel to the rumors.

To understand the different layers of this situation, the column spoke via email with psychoanalyst Lygia Vampré Humberg, a doctor in psychology at USP, with a specialization at the University of London, and a lecturer on the course ‘Dependence and dependence on others: an overview of dependent relationships’, at Casa do Saber.

A part of social media is outraged by the possibility that singer Iza forgives the betrayal of the player Yuri, the father of her daughter she is expecting. Why do most of us feel entitled to judge the married life of other people?

This problem has several areas. The first: from those who expose themselves without taking the time to process what they feel. I understand that in Iza’s case she was under pressure because it seems that her lover would also expose himself, but everything that is resolved on social media, in front of thousands of judges, makes situations much more complex than those resolved within the family, with dialogue and time for maturation. The second: everyone has an opinion, but the problem is wanting to impose your opinion on someone else’s life, which is completely different. Everyone has a creation, a need, a motivation different from the other. If there is more maturity, there is a greater possibility of acceptance and understanding of others and there is less need for impositions. And, finally, we cannot forget the strength of group phenomena, where the individual gets lost and the group feels it has the strength to lynch the other.

Is it justifiable to forgive infidelity in the name of raising a child?

Here we need to understand if forgiveness is really in the name of the child’s growth, or if the spouses have talked and have managed to understand each other and give themselves a new chance, understanding that to reach greater maturity there can be setbacks and suffering. Or if it were for the child, and together they will be unhappy, making an effort for the child, which will not bring any benefit to anyone.

Theoretically, a woman forgives betrayal more easily than a man. Is there a psychoanalytic explanation?

We need concrete data to establish whether women really forgive more than men and, if this data shows it, it could be due to cultural factors, where women fear being labeled as divorced. For some religions, those who get married cannot separate. In some families, the woman is educated to fight for a relationship, and the man, educated not to show himself culturally weak, then could not forgive, or at least cannot say he has forgiven; therefore, we could know less. There is also the financial issue, since we live in a society where men earn more than women. But the question of whether or not to forgive a betrayal has more to do with each couple than with gender; whether that couple knows how to communicate, understand the other’s motivations (Chico Buarque sings “I forgive you for betraying you”), that is, whether or not both have a role in all of this, whether the betrayal was a more infantile form of communication (acting instead of speaking), etc.

We live in a time of virtual relationships. Is flirting or video calling someone cheating?

Every couple has to have their own agreements about what is cheating or not, but it is important to think about what is being taken from that relationship and invested in another. If there was a person on the other side of the screen, it would be an investment in another person, not a fantasy.

Open relationships, both straight and LGBT, are gaining more and more followers. Is giving up fidelity healthy for the couple?

Thinking that the other will love and desire only one person comes from the mother-child relationship, where the child thought that the mother loved only her and ignored the other interests of the father and mother. Many times you want to go back to that moment, to be the only love and interest of someone. Whether this is possible or not should be agreed upon by each couple. I think that today it is important that there are more ways of relating, not just one, because there is no single model that works for everyone. And I think and hope that differences can be respected. The more mature you are, the easier it is to respect differences.

They say that a big mistake in a relationship is for one person to believe that they have ownership and the right to the exclusivity of the other person’s desire. Do you agree?

Owning is a complicated word, I think no one can own another. You can love, talk, build something together, but really owning would not be healthy. The desire for sexual and emotional exclusivity will depend on the agreements and possibilities of each couple.

Source: Terra