“Drop it, it’s a Capricorn!” : girls best friends are horoscopes

You are already an adult girl and should be able to make decisions on your own, without focusing on such a fleeting phenomenon as a horoscope. After all, if your horoscope tells you to “keep your head down” and you have an important performance coming up, you won’t cancel it, will you? If the thirst for familiarization with the stars is great in you, order an individual horoscope from a professional astrologer.

I am very ashamed, but I know by heart in which month is which sign of the zodiac and who follows the horse in the Chinese horoscope. At the same time, as a sane person, I don’t believe in zodiac signs.

To be completely honest, I believe a little in the Chinese horoscope. Yet it is old and proven. But the signs of the zodiac seem suspicious to me: how can people born a month apart differ as drastically as Virgo and Libra? That’s it.

And I certainly don’t believe in weekly women’s horoscopes that recommend “sparing a week” because Venus, you see, is in a passive phase.

But, I repeat, disbelief does not save from ignorance: I know the signs of the zodiac very well. I owe this dubious realization to a tattered blue hardcover book, Stars and Fates, that sat on my mother’s bedroom shelf. (I bet Mom didn’t even remember how and under what circumstances she put that book out there. Because Mom is a Gemini.)

I learned the book by heart. When I liked a new boy from a parallel class, when I came home, the first thing I did was to read the characteristics of his sign. (Which at that age was completely unnecessary, since boys and girls didn’t communicate.) I learned that Capricorn boys are stubborn and persistent, Libra girls are cheerful and changeable, all Cancers are touchy and tend to be overweight with age. Since I was already Cancer in childhood, I was offended.

Gradually, the astrological knowledge of the blue book settled in the heads of my friends. With age and passing through high school, when communication with the opposite sex became a reality, the blue book took the most important place in our lives. The book moved from my mother’s room to mine. (Mother Gemini barely noticed his disappearance.) “Who is he according to his zodiac sign?” – the first question we asked ourselves when one of us had a new boyfriend – and climbed into the blue book.

Now that we’ve grown up, we don’t ask ourselves that stupid question anymore. Now, with a deliberately indifferent look, we ask, “When do you say it’s his birthday?” It’s like an adult.

Prepare for the fact that if your friend has ever had an unpleasant experience with a representative of the zodiac sign, this friend will never approve of your romance with a representative of this sign.

I remember once Aries started taking care of me. And my friend Karina had a long term affair with Aries with varying degrees of torment behind her. And so I declared that Aries was taking care of me. Girlfriend impulsively hugged me, pressed to her heart. She foresaw the mental pain that was happening to me… As a result, I had nothing painful with this Aries, which extremely surprised Karina. It seemed to him that Aries men were born only to turn the hearts of women into fragments.

Then I had a Taurus fan. Karina smiled: for a couple of years she met Taurus, who was engaged in the painstaking work of sticking together the pieces of her heart, broken by Aries. But my Taurus turned out to be the most notorious, cowardly, pathetic guy I’ve ever met in my life. Yes, and helpless. As my grandmother likes to say in such cases, “the guy doesn’t look bad, he pees and he’s deaf”. Karina was shocked.

When I said I had met a very interesting Scorpio, Karina just looked at me in confusion. She never interacted with Scorpio.

She called back a few hours later. A joyous cry came from the tube: “My grandfather Scorpion! A friend’s blessing has been received.

Followers of machismo love to talk about the illogicality and inconsistency of female behavior. It seems to me that horoscopes and zodiac signs are just an attempt by women to explain the chaos of the world with logic. How convenient it would be if you knew once and for all that, for example, playing with Pisces is dangerous. That they are impulsive, creative, prone to all sorts of perversions with which you cannot start a family. It would seem: a great diet! Live avoiding Pisces and rejoice!

And then, by chance, the Pisces are nailed to your shores. And he is – strangely – a reasonable, completely uncreative admirer of the missionary position. Worse still, you’ve been married for 25 years and have three wonderful children. And how to be now?

Fortunately, when zodiac signs fail, other types of horoscopes come to the rescue. For example, Chinese. And the unfortunate, who has lived with questionable Pisces in a happy marriage for 25 years, thinks: “Exactly! It’s a bull!” Everything immediately falls into place.

Speaking of Chinese horoscopes. From my observations, the pool of followers of Chinese horoscopes are those who were lucky enough to be born in the years of the Dragon, the Horse, the Serpent and the Tiger. But Rats, Pigs and Goats always pretend they’re hearing about him for the first time. And that is understandable. It is unlikely that at a party you want to fill a pause in the conversation with the phrase: “And who are you according to the Chinese horoscope? I’m a Pig on the border with a Rat. Whether it’s business: “And who are you according to the Chinese horoscope?” I am the Tiger.”

And in case the Chinese horoscope does not justify a man’s behavior, there is heavy artillery. For example, a structural horoscope – when the combination of Eastern and Western zodiac signs results in a completely new sign, for example, Professor. Or vector. Or Close. Or three others, which, fortunately for my psyche, have been erased from my memory.

Well, for the most seasoned command enthusiasts, there is a druidic horoscope, consisting of trees. “Well, of course he will call back, give him time. It’s a poplar.”