Valentine’s Day: 5 reflections on the search for love

Romantic culture, the idealization of the other and the fear of feeling vulnerable can be obstacles; to know more

Many human beings spend their lives looking for a romantic couple, the ‘lid of my pot’, the ‘half orange’ or ‘an old slipper for a tired foot’. Beyond the clichés, feeling loved is fundamental in our life and there is no step-by-step guide to achieving it, according to the analysis of psychologist Desirée Cassado, professor at The School of Life.

“It would be naïve to believe that there are rules or suggestions for finding love. That would mean reducing a large, meaningful and complex experience to something very simple, which it really isn’t,” he says.

In the Michaelis dictionary there are at least 15 entries that define love, including: “feelings that lead a person to desire what seems beautiful, dignified or great” and “great affection that unites one person to another”.

Some say that the passion, that overwhelming feeling, is short-lived and that love, this, is long-lasting. It is very difficult to name how we feel about someone many times. “Love is above all an action that involves a set of skills that we must always improve”, explains Desirée Cassado.

On this Valentine’s Day, the psychologist listed at the request of the report Estadiofive thoughts on ways to find love.

1. Get over the romance – I learned a lot about relationships from the Swiss philosopher Alain de Botton, the founder of The School of Life. One of them is this: love takes work. But what happens is that we come from a romantic culture that makes us believe that there is, somewhere in the world, a person who is ready and perfect for us and who will complete us, understand us between the lines, pull us out of loneliness and We will be happy forever. The point is that any relationship is difficult, loving or not, for the simple fact that it unites people with particular emotional baggage, stories and traumas. Despite being countercultural, it is important for us to adopt a more realistic view of love in order to relate better.

2. Allow yourself to be vulnerable – It is not possible to find love without going through a universe of vulnerability. Everyone is afraid of not feeling loved, wanted or accepted. What would happen if, even if we are insecure, we open ourselves (with curiosity and generosity) to living the company of the other? Relationships don’t happen in our heads, but around us. If during a meeting I am connected only with my anxieties and expectations, material that I already know, I lose the precious opportunity to listen sincerely and know the individuality of the other.

3. Be aware of the paradox of choice – Today, there are options for meeting someone in both the physical and virtual world. And what I follow from the studies on our mind is that when faced with many options, in general, we follow one of the following paths: we are paralyzed when we choose or we are dissatisfied with the choice made, imagining that there is something better in the world. This has led many people to experience relationships such as skiing on thin ice, i.e. everyone moves fast so they don’t sink. The point is, building a relationship takes hard work that involves patience, warmth, kindness, curiosity, genuine interest, choice, purpose, and ideals. There is no lasting relationship that does not have a purpose, an ideal, a commitment to act with love despite the bad days.

4. Add humor to your life – Having humor is essential in learning to deal with both our own perfection and that of the other. Humor gives us the opportunity to look at our history from a perspective further away from the suffering of our “critical self”. It is humor that allows us to take risks, play and be comfortable with mistakes. In dating, we need to feel comfortable with our dark, human and ridiculous side, both to open up more to people and opportunities, and to better calibrate possible internal or external criticisms. There is no interesting life without the possibility of feeling ridiculous.

5. Consider that the attraction can also be built – Of course, we can meet someone and experience instant attraction. But there is also legitimacy in the attraction built after intimacy, because the person, for example, treats you in a good and well-known way, stays by your side despite the battles, in many other everyday contexts. With our romantic vision, we want to be enchanted by the other immediately and forever. We crave passion, we are emotional perfectionists. But in practice the passion is not lasting. However intense the immediate passion is, living together makes everything more difficult (and human). We got used to it. So we have to learn to cultivate love. I often say that “the willing attract more than the opposites”.

Source: Terra

Benjamin

Benjamin Smith is a fashion journalist and author at Gossipify, known for his coverage of the latest fashion trends and industry insights. He writes about clothing, shoes, accessories, and runway shows, providing in-depth analysis and unique perspectives. He’s respected for his ability to spot emerging designers and trends, and for providing practical fashion advice to readers.