Raul Aparici, global director of learning at The School of Life, says self-knowledge is needed for a leader to know why he or she is afraid of taking on weaknesses
Leaders have learned in their professional and personal lives that they cannot show weakness. This makes the position of the leader very lonely. “There is no one to share your fears and experiences of failure with,” says Raul Aparici, global director of learning The School of Lifean English organization focused on emotional intelligence.
In an interview with Estadaoaccording to the expert, to change this situation it is necessary to develop self-awareness and discover “why it is so scary to fail or be perceived as a failure”.
Watch excerpts from the interview below:
What is emotional intelligence in practice?
Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand our inner world a little better. We all wear masks in the workplace. Let’s pretend everything is great. But in reality we know that inside each of us is in difficulty in some way.
We may feel envious of our colleagues. We may feel insecure, have questions, but we don’t want to ask them because we don’t want to look or feel stupid and an impostor. We have all these internal struggles and we think we are the only ones who have these struggles.
How does it work on a daily basis?
What emotional intelligence allows us to do is, first of all, name our difficulties, understand a little better how we function, and then realize that others are struggling too.
This means that when someone comes to me angry, I can look past the anger and try to understand what else might be going on with that person, because if they came to us with tears in their eyes, our reaction would be very different.
The emotionally intelligent person is able to somehow translate what they see and be a little skeptical about these first emotions and think about what else might be happening. So for me emotional intelligence is about awareness and that awareness can lead us to make different choices.
There is also the element of self-regulation in Daniel Goleman’s model of emotional intelligence, which is very important. This idea is that we learn to regulate ourselves, so that we can remain present in difficult circumstances.
If you start to feel like you really want to reciprocate or something, find a way to center yourself and create time and space between the emotion and your response.
How can leaders develop it?
Self-knowledge and self-awareness are the foundations of emotional intelligence on which we anchor all the different emotional skills we teach in organizations. It all starts from a foundation of self-knowledge, because people will forgive us for not being perfect if we are aware of the ways in which we are imperfect.
If I can explain to others the ways in which I am difficult, they will have more compassion because they too have ways in which they are difficult. But if I’m not aware of who I am and I just think I’m a great leader but all I do is leave a trail of destruction behind me, people will have less empathy for that because we won’t show that we’re aware of our failures.
So it’s quite comforting to be with someone who can be vulnerable enough to share even the difficult aspects of themselves.
Leaders face pressure every day. So showing yourself vulnerable is a challenge. What can leaders do to overcome the fear and shame of failing at some point?
The first thing to do is develop self-awareness. Think about why it is so scary to fail or be perceived as a failure. Often these things have a long history in creation, where failure wasn’t an option, where we thought we had to be perfect to be loved.
We learn that admitting failure is not an option, which then becomes a very lonely place because there is no one to share your fears and experiences of failure with. This also means fostering a culture where other people don’t share their experiences of failure.
One of the main functions of leadership is to create psychological safety and a way to contain anxiety in the organization. So how can I, as a leader, demonstrate vulnerability in a way that supports dialogue? If leadership doesn’t share vulnerability, people will think they don’t know what they’re doing.
When does working towards a purpose/passion become a problem?
We talk about purpose, but it’s often a little ambiguous, because work is the only place we can expand our sense of purpose. It makes us feel like we are contributing in a way that perhaps on an individual level we are unable to contribute.
Sometimes, of course, an organization can take over this spirit that we have, and then what we were truly passionate about becomes something painful. We get bored, we don’t want to do it anymore because we do it until we get tired.
What can be really helpful is to think about what the purpose of the organization is and then what the purpose of that individual is and how can we organize the meeting in a healthy way so that my purpose is amplified by the purpose of the organization rather who stifled or lost passion.
There is a huge disconnect between the work you do every day and your end user.
So, you might create a software solution that won’t pay off in two years and the main customer is miles away. It’s really hard to connect a purpose to what I’m doing because I never see it. The organization must always be thoughtful about how to remind others of its higher purpose.
In a way it’s the opposite of what you were asking, because we usually go wrong when we lose that purpose. But of course the flip side is when that purpose gets hijacked. And then you kind of feel like you’ve lost the passion because that’s all you do.
In times of burnout and extreme levels of stress, how do you deal with negative emotions at work?
At School of Life we don’t talk about negative or positive emotions. We’re talking about emotions, and they’re all valid. Everyone tells us something. They are a warning sign and say: “Hey, be careful, something is wrong here.” Once we become curious about our emotions, they don’t have to be negative or positive, they can be neutral.
If I’m angry at work, instead of being consumed by anger, I can be curious. What drives it?
For example, if you work late. Why do I work late? Because of this deadline and this expectation, right? So, you start to unravel a little and understand your emotions. It’s the first step, then you have to think about how to solve it.
What I would suggest when dealing with negative emotions is that the onus is often on the individual to resolve them. In a way, we’re saying you have a problem because you can’t deal with it. So organizations need to take a little more responsibility for people’s mental problems.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
