Even if we love our parents, friends or relatives, it is often our pets who are physically present as we go through important milestones such as moving out of the house, getting married or having a baby. Saying goodbye to such a loyal friend can cause feelings that are difficult to overcome.
My first real pet was a tabby cat named Lauren, with a frowny face and a fluffy tail. I adopted her in Silver Spring, Maryland, in September 2021, and when we arrived at my home in Washington, DC, 30 minutes later, I was completely in love.
The suddenness – and intensity – of what I felt for her was surprising and unfamiliar. And so was the emptiness that came after losing her just seven months later. She (she was just over 1 year old and had developed FIP, a deadly strain of the feline coronavirus that usually affects young cats.)
“When you lose someone, whether it’s a pet or a human, that you have a very close relationship with, it can feel like the world is ending,” says Jennifer Golbeck, a computer science professor at the University of Maryland and a researcher in bonds between humans and animals.
“Most people consider their pets to be family members. Sometimes they consider their relationship with their dogs to be closer than their relationship with most family members. It’s a truly deep relationship, and when we lose them, the Our psychological needs are to mourn them in the same way we mourn any relationship this deep.”
When we adopt pets, we know that we are entering into a relationship that will most likely end in loss. But for many people, mourning for the pet it can be surprisingly devastating when it happens.
Research shows that grief after the loss of a pet can be comparable to that of losing a person, and in some cases, even more complicated. Often this pain is amplified by guilt (“I should have taken him to the vet sooner”) and feelings of misunderstanding (“He’s just an animal”), further increasing the need for pet owners to explore ways to comfort their pets. owners. during the loss and keep your pet’s memory alive.
Golbeck, who also rescues golden retrievers, says that compared to our human relationships, the ones we have with our animals are “purely good.” Our close relationships with other people, even the most loving ones, are complicated; they ask us to examine our flaws and shortcomings. We fall, we hurt, we give and we receive. With pets, there’s a simplicity in what they offer us – and what we give them – that can’t be replicated with humans. This can make losing your business even more complex.
“[Os cães] they kind of come into your life with an unconditional, preexisting excitement for their owner,” says David Freifeld, a Brooklyn, New York, resident who grew up with dogs. He and his wife, Elena, said goodbye to their 4 – One-year-old Bernedoodle, Ramy, earlier this year after being diagnosed with a dangerous neurological condition “From the moment. [Ramy] He came home and said to me, ‘What do you want to do today? I love you!'”
Ramy’s death wasn’t Freifeld’s first experience of sudden loss — when he was in college, his father died — but he says the pain of losing his friend was different.
Before her father’s death, Freifeld had the opportunity to communicate with him about his death, discussing what her father wanted and making decisions as a family. Obviously he couldn’t do the same with Ramy, a creature who looked at him with total trust.
“It’s a special relationship or a special responsibility that we take on, as people responsible for keeping them safe and sound and alive… Having to make the decision to let them die goes against everything we believe,” says Michelle Crossley, associate professor of clinical mental health counseling at Rhode Island College and vice president of the Pet Loss and Grief Association. “It’s very difficult for people to understand; people end up feeling guilty.”
For the Freifelds, those last five days at home before Ramy was euthanized seemed like a one-sided asylum. They knew what was coming, but Ramy looked at them exactly the same.
“Because of a deep sense of loyalty, I think most people almost feel like they don’t deserve to go through this when they have a pet. You feel very responsible for something that is so committed to you,” Freifeld says. “I didn’t want him to feel like we abandoned him.”
For others, losing a pet means mourning the constant shadow of comfort that has accompanied them through various stages of life. Even if we love our parents, friends or relatives, it is often our pets who are physically present as we go through important milestones such as moving out of the house, getting married or having children.
For 22-year-old Jackie Llanos, her schnauzer, Nacho, was by her side as she moved to a completely new country. Her mother, her three sisters, and 4-year-old Nacho immigrated from Bogotá, Colombia, to Stafford, Virginia, United States, in 2013.
“I think I got really attached to him when I was upset, going through all these changes and not being able to communicate with other kids,” she says. “He was always there.”
Llanos is now a journalist in Florida, which means his mother has become Nacho’s primary caregiver in recent years. Last May, her mother called Llanos to inform her that Nacho wasn’t eating and that it was probably time to say goodbye to him. Just hours before Llanos’ scheduled veterinary appointment, the 15-year-old dog died at home.
“It feels like the end of childhood, in a way,” she says. “It feels like one less connection to my childhood in Colombia.”
Losing a beloved pet he may also feel particularly lonely. Not only is the house literally emptier, but other people (who don’t have pets) may have a hard time sympathizing.
“People will suffer in isolation because they don’t want to be invalidated by their broken heart,” Crossley says. “One of the comments people make is, ‘It’s just an animal; get another one.'”
Golbeck began researching pet loss while earning a master’s degree in psychology; the class was studying “unrecognized grief,” or the concept that some deaths are not legitimized by society or publicly mourned.
Although they focused on examples such as AIDS deaths in the 1980s and deaths from suicide and overdose, he realized that pet loss could also fall into this category.
“The tools we normally use to grieve and the kind of support we get to grieve and lose people, we don’t get that. [animais de estimação]”says Golbeck.
After the death of her cat Rupert, Virginia resident Page Shewey says some people didn’t understand why she was going through such a hard time. As a result, she began to wonder if the intensity of her grief meant something was wrong with her or if, somehow, she hadn’t grieved enough over the loss of her loved ones.
“You don’t know what to feel,” Shewey says. “You think, ‘Shouldn’t I be so angry? Is there something wrong with me for being so angry after losing a pet?'”
Golbeck says one way to legitimize your pain is to find people who take you seriously, even if that requires going beyond your usual circle. Demand for places on pet bereavement support groups has increased, especially since the pandemic, and there are online forums for different types of pet loss. At the Pet Loss and Grief Association, Crossley opens daily chat rooms where people can talk about what they’re going through.
When Lauren died, I spent hours online, searching pet Q&A forums and Facebook groups for owners whose cats had been diagnosed with FIP. In the months following the death, just reading the comment box of a TikTok about losing a cat could make me feel a little less perplexed about my emotional response.
What to do?
Even if your grief isn’t considered by anyone but you, Crossley says, creating some sort of memorial or ritual to honor your pet can help you process the loss, whether that’s creating a vase from your pet’s food bowl. pet or hold its collar.
If it is painful to find constant reminders of your pet and you are unable to pack his things yourself, you may want to ask a friend or family member to remove and donate the items. (The Freifelds donated Ramy’s bed and were thrilled when the new owner sent a photo of his dog sniffing the fabric, presumably detecting Ramy’s scent.)
Crossley also encouraged people struggling with guilt to write a letter to their pet, expressing everything they would like him to know. Then write a response from the pet’s perspective, focusing on the ways the person created happy, healthy memories for both of you.
The feeling of “what I could have done differently” won’t immediately go away, but Crossley says forgiving yourself is key to getting better.
“We used to call it closure, but closure feels permanent, like I’ll never think about it again,” he says. Instead, she recommends thinking of it as a “resolution,” as a goal in the grieving process.
“With the resolution, what I’m asking people to answer is: When was your pet happiest? Was it when you were angry and crying, or was it happy when you were happy? To honor our pets, we can remember them in these moments happy and not feel so much pain.”
After Lauren died, I left her things as they were for a few days; the feeder by my bedroom door, the syringe I was using to force-feed her on my dresser, the toys scattered across the floor.
In bed, I carefully adjusted my legs, searching the blanket for a lump that was actually just my feet. Eventually it got easier. The next week, I collected her things and moved them to the attic, “in case I got another cat.”
Less than a year later, I met Mouse, a tabby kitten for whom I developed as much love as I did for Lauren, just in a different way. I know losing him will be just as devastating. But as Golbeck says, “In exchange for a lifetime of love and fond memories, the price we pay is the worst day of our lives.”
It’s worth it.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
