Do you love doctor jokes as much as we do?
No, this is not included in the insurance: the funny stories we have collected about doctors and funny jokes about doctors can be obtained without VHI or compulsory health insurance.
Doctor: What news should I announce first: good or bad?
Patient: Let’s have a good one.
Doctor: Soon, a disease will bear your name.
***
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.
Doctor: Have you tried blowing out the candles?
***
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
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Cashier: Of course we do! This is a supermarket.
***
Patient: Doctor, it looks like I broke my arm in two places.
Doctor: Don’t go to those places anymore.
***
Two doctors, a man and a woman, met at a medical conference. We loved each other, had dinner together, slept together. In the morning, the woman said, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist!” – “Yes. How did you guess?” – “I didn’t feel anything.”
Luckily, all of these funny medical stories are fictional – otherwise they would be upsetting instead of funny!
Doctor: I have some bad, very bad news for you.
Patient: Start with the bad one.
Doctor: I got a call from the lab: you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours!!! And you think you can tell me something more terrible after that?
Doctor: The problem is, I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
***
Words no patient wants to hear during surgery:
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Why are doctors always calm? They have a lot of patients!
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
-Are you really a surgeon?
***
Doctor: You are as healthy as a horse.
Patient: Great!
Doctor: A horse with kidney stones.
But these are no longer medical anecdotes, but very real notes from doctors!
Back to the jokes for doctors and about doctors – these stories are definitely made up!
Patient: Yesterday, graffiti was painted on my house.
Doctor: Why are you telling me this?
Patient: I’m sure it was you; the inscription is indistinguishable.
***
Girl: Mom, a boy from kindergarten invited me to play doctor today!
Mom: Uh-uh… And what did you do?
Girl: He made me wait 45 minutes, then billed the insurance company twice.
***
Patient: Doctor, have the test results come in? I’m just dying of curiosity!
Doctor: Not just out of curiosity…
***
Doctor: I’m sorry, but you only have five minutes to live.
Patient: Five minutes?! Is there anything I can do?
Doctor: Boil an egg?
***
Patient: Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don’t do it.
***
Sensitive souls should not read these doctor jokes!
Patients are reassured when I explain to them that something is normal for their age. The main thing is to keep silent about the fact that it is also normal to die at a certain age.
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I ask patients where it hurts so I can immediately apply pressure to that area.
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You could say that doctors are like God: people delay visiting them until they are about to die.
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Why do surgeons wear masks? So that no one will recognize them if they make a mistake.
***
Doctor: I have bad news: I accidentally left the gloves in your stomach and we’ll have to cut you open again.
Patient: Are you crazy! Just buy new ones – I’m willing to pay for them!
These are just cute jokes about hospitals and the people who work in them – no dark humor!
My husband and I discussed this issue for a long time and finally decided not to vaccinate our children. We are sure that the doctor will cope with this task much better.
***
A scientist has grown human vocal cords from stem cells in a lab. The results speak for themselves.
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Why is it impossible to fool a radiologist? Because they see through everyone!
***
The vet came to the therapist and when he started asking questions, he said, “I can only tell by the patient’s appearance what he is suffering from. Why can’t you do that?” Then the therapist silently wrote out the prescriptions and handed them over with the words, “If this doesn’t help, we’ll have to put you to sleep.”
***
A Brief History of Medicine
These funny doctor stories are sure to entertain you – unless, of course, you can relate to them.
One day I gave a patient a urine container and sent him to the toilet. He came back with an empty bottle and said, “I didn’t need it, there was a toilet over there.”
***
“Mom, don’t be afraid, but I’m at the hospital and the operation is in an hour!” “My daughter, you’ve been a surgeon for eight years, this joke hasn’t been funny for a long time.”
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One day I was examining a patient and she said to me: “You remind me of my third husband!” – “How many did you have?” – “Two.”
***
I once asked a dementia patient what year it was. She replied, “Darling, such topics are not to be discussed in polite company. Such a young girl should not be talking about such things. I did not say that I was actually a bearded man in his forties.
***
One day a woman came to me with a six-month-old baby. I noticed that chocolate milk was poured into the bottle and began to explain that under no circumstances should it be given to the child. She replied with a smile: “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not chocolate milk, it’s coffee!” He loves it!
***
My son married a doctor’s daughter. At the wedding, the girl’s father started reading his congratulations, but then stopped. At first I thought he was emotional and couldn’t speak anymore. But after a long pause, he said: “Sorry, I can’t understand what I wrote. Is there a pharmacist among the guests, by any chance?”
And some other true humorous stories about doctors or performed by them.
I had a patient who refused to believe he had an STD – he insisted that he use protection and added at one point that… he always washes the condom with soap. I even thought it was a joke, but it turned out that he actually uses the same condom and washes it with water after each use.
***
When I had my colonoscopy, I exclaimed, “I’m finally going to know what it’s like to be a Muppet!” I had to wait five minutes for the doctor to stop laughing.
***
One of my patients, who I had diagnosed with prostatitis, wanted me to examine his wife to see if she had the same disease. I said no, but he replied, “How do you know? You haven’t seen her!”
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I am a pharmacist. I once received a call from a client who was outraged that Viagra was not helping her husband. I began to explain to her that a man still needs to be aroused – without it, nothing will come of it. She literally moaned: “Oh my God, me again!” – and I hung up.
Want to laugh again? Then read jokes from the Third Reich era, favorite jokes of Soviet leaders, or watch one of these movies and TV series with dark and black humor.
Even more interesting materials can be found in our Telegram channel.
Source: The Voice Mag
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
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