The challenges of a person with borderline personality disorder to date: ‘I quickly become obsessed’

Borderline personality disorder can make romantic relationships intense and difficult. The BBC spoke to three people about how the condition has affected their relationships.

“When I was diagnosed with BPD, I thought I’d never have healthy relationships.”

That’s how 21-year-old Mae felt when she learned earlier this year that she has borderline personality disorder (BPD) — and it’s a sentiment shared on social media by many others with the same diagnosis.

In English-speaking countries, videos with the hashtag #bpdisorder have amassed more than 500,000 views on TikTok so far. It’s people sharing their experiences, sometimes with an injection of humor, and a recurring theme that emerges is heartbreak and toxic relationships.

BPD is becoming more visible on social media, and Liana Romaniuk, a child psychiatrist and professor at the University of Edinburgh in Scotland, thinks this is partly because young people view the diagnosis differently than older generations. .

“Some young people I work with ask me, ‘Can I get LPT?’ I think there is a growing awareness,” Romaniuk says.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health issue that causes emotional instability and can affect how people manage their moods and interact with others. It is believed to affect about one in 100 people.

Many people with BPD have experienced childhood trauma or abandonment, which can make adult relationships difficult. Romaniuk points out that “trauma” doesn’t have to mean something horrific or hurtful: It could be the result, for example, of parents separating, being emotionally distant, or one of their parents dying at a young age.

Unfortunately, there can be a stigma associated with being diagnosed with TPL.

Romaniuk explains, “Many doctors believed in the past that TPL was incurable or that people were manipulative. Fortunately, that’s not the opinion of anyone I work with at the moment.”

There’s also an “ongoing debate” in professional circles, Romaniuk says, about whether BPD is really a personality disorder or a reaction to past trauma.

“I don’t like the term ‘personality disorder,'” she says. “It sounds like you’re saying there’s something fundamentally wrong [a pessoa], and this is not the case. I think of it more in terms of survivors, they’re adapters.”

Obsession in relationships

Mae started researching TPL because she noticed she was becoming “obsessive” and anxious in relationships.

“I realized my symptoms were much stronger and more dysfunctional when I was in a relationship,” she says, diagnosed in March 2021.

“I quickly become obsessive. I constantly want to call or text and isolate myself from other friends. I give up hobbies and devote all my time to this person.”

Simple things for those who don’t have BPD can take on enormous proportions for those who live with the disorder.

“Once, I was at a friend’s apartment when I got a text from her boyfriend and his tone really freaked me out – I literally grabbed all my stuff and said ‘I have to go’ and ran to his apartment in 15 minutes away.

“I was having a full blown panic attack. It turned out that everything was fine, so I went back to my friend’s house. It must have been really weird for her, but I wouldn’t have been able to sit down and talk because the panic would continue to grow.”

Fear of abandonment can also manifest itself as hostility.

“The last few weeks of my last relationship, I was breaking up with my ex, saying he was leaving a few times, and being very spiteful,” Mae says.

“So when he finally broke up with me, I was absolutely devastated. I called him crying, begging him to come back. The end of the relationship was directly related to my TPL.”

Since her diagnosis, Mae has started a treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which is a type of talk therapy for people who have trouble regulating their emotions. She has also started taking antidepressants.

“I feel much more positive,” she says. “When I was first diagnosed it felt like a death sentence, and it would have been for the rest of my life, but TCD is showing me a way out.”

It’s important to note that not everyone diagnosed with BPD will behave the same way, Romaniuk says: “You can’t make an assessment of an entire group of people based on three letters.”

BPD Symptoms or Violent Behavior?

Partners of people with BPD can also sometimes find this challenging, although many with the condition can build healthy relationships.

This was not the case with Ellen*.

The 32-year-old woman dated a man diagnosed with BPD last year. “I don’t know how things could have been different if she hadn’t had TPL,” she says. “I think I excused a lot of abusive behavior because I thought maybe she was part of the condition.”

Ellen explains that her ex-partner “made me feel guilty” for leaving him alone, to the point where he started coming home early from work.

“If we had any kind of disagreement, he stopped talking to me,” she adds. “I made a lot of compromises thinking she was TPL. She started leaving me every three days: She’d leave in the middle of the night, then come back and tell me I was the love of her life.”

He says some of his behavior was offensive. But is that a fair label for people with the disease?

“This is a really important question that goes to the heart of who we are as human beings,” says child psychiatrist Romaniuk.

“Having TPL, you are still yourself. It may predispose you to respond in certain ways, but I think there is still a level of accountability for what you do in any given moment. More often than not, the behavior is not manipulative, but sometimes it can be”.

More often than not, though, the behavior stems from fear of abandonment.

“From what other people with LPT have told me, there is a tendency to push before being pushed,” Romaniuk says.

“You can come up with reasons to end a relationship, or you can create tests to make sure your partner is really there for you. This is subconscious, it’s not overt manipulation. From your brain’s survival standpoint, it’s always better to be watch out and wait for what happens. worse.”

Encourage “honest talks” between partners if one person has BPD, but also advise people without the condition to “don’t neglect your well-being, too.”

Romaniuk also points out that every person with BPD is different, and the label doesn’t predispose anyone to a specific set of behaviors.

“Some of the most beautiful, dynamic and interesting people I know have LPT,” she concludes.

*Some names have been changed

This article it was originally produced in English to the BBC Three.

– This text was published in https://www.bbc.com/portuguese/geral-64107883

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Ben

Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.