Researcher Bella DePaulo, who has dedicated herself to studying the lives of singles, shares her findings in an interview with the BBC.
Researcher Bella DePaulo says that when she was in her early twenties, she was happy to be single. But he admits that he always hoped that this feeling would change – at least, that’s what the people around him said.
Today, at 71, DePaulo says that feeling has never changed and that, despite what many people around her believed, being single has allowed her to live a life of complete fulfillment.
“Over time, I realized that single life was for me. Once you accept this, you can fully invest in your single life: buy a house, pursue your interests, and live fully.”
DePaulo is a social psychologist at Harvard University, US, and author of the book Single by nature (“Single by nature”, in the free translation).
For years she has dedicated herself to studying the lives and levels of happiness reported by singles and how their role in society is changing.
According to the specialist, in the collective imagination there is a huge amount of ideas about the experience of singles and, according to her, many of these ideas are completely far from what she, as a social researcher, has seen.
“I have dedicated my life’s work to finding the true stories of single life,” DePaulo said in his 2017 TED talk, which has had more than 1.7 million views.
“The stories that no one tells us,” he added.
BBC News Mundo – I’ll start by asking a question that comes from my personal experience. I’m 38 years old, I’m single and sometimes I have the feeling that the world is in favor of people living as a couple. Why do I feel this?
Beautiful De Paulo – It is true that couples receive a lot of attention, gifts, respect and are even featured in series and films. Everything seems to revolve around them or those who wish to pair up.
However, the situation is changing as more and more people around the world decide to remain single. As we get older, we can transform the narrative about what it means to be single. And we will all feel better.
In fact, if you’re like me, you might even be proud of being single.
BBC News Mundo – But sometimes it can be difficult to feel this pride, when we even see scientific studies claiming that it is married people who declare themselves “happier” in older age.
DePaulo – The problem is that these studies are not updated.
Recent studies following single people show that as they move from middle age into later decades – from around age 40 – they are increasingly happier.
This breaks the stereotype of sad singles crying alone at home while eating ice cream. In fact, single people are already happy and, over time, they become even happier.
BBC News Mundo – And what do studies reveal about why single people are happier?
DePaulo – Research shows that when people get married they tend to isolate themselves more: they call their friends less, spend less time with their parents and create a sort of bubble.
In contrast, single people tend to stay in touch with friends, family, and other important people in their lives. This is one reason why single people tend to be happier over time.
Furthermore, they know how to live as singles: they establish their own home, cultivate relationships and have the freedom to be themselves.
I call these people “single at heart.” They are the ones who thrive and feel happy because of being single, not in spite of it.
BBC News Mundo – You talk about people who are “single at heart”, what are the characteristics to identify a single person at heart?
DePaulo – Single people basically enjoy their freedom and use their time alone to reflect, relax, be creative or develop their spirituality. They are not afraid of being alone, which largely protects them from feeling lonely.
This contrasts with the stereotype that single people are lonely. Sure, some singles feel lonely, as do many married people, but singles, deep down, value loneliness as a positive thing.
BBC News Mundo – In English there are two different terms to talk about loneliness: loneliness AND loneliness. Can this differentiation help us understand why there can be single people who feel happy and married people who feel lonely?
DePaulo – Obviously. The loneliness to which loneliness refers It happens when you don’t have the amount or quality of social interaction you want and you feel unhappy about it.
On the other hand, loneliness refers to solitude as a choice, or time alone, which can be very enriching. Many people, especially singles, appreciate this time to reflect or dedicate themselves to what they love most without feeling judged.
BBC News Mundo – This leads me to ask about those people who, despite being in a romantic relationship, still identify as “single at heart”. How does it work?
DePaulo – Generally, these people tend to prefer less conventional relationships: perhaps they live in separate houses or have independent spaces within the same house.
They don’t share finances much and maintain a balance between time spent as a couple and time spent with friends or themselves.
In this way, they will be able to enjoy the benefits of a romantic relationship without giving up their identity as “single at heart”.
BBC News Mundo – You said you’ve been single your whole life. Could you share some of your experience?
DePaulo – I am 71 years old and have always been single. When I was young, in my twenties, even though I enjoyed the single life, I thought I would eventually change my mind because it was expected.
But over time, I realized that the single life was for me.
Once you accept this, you can fully invest in your single life: buy a house, pursue your interests, and live fully.
BBC News Mundo – In societies like those in Latin America, where there is a lot of pressure for people to get married, what advice would you give to single men and women who feel that society is against them?
DePaulo – My advice is to feel proud. If you’re single and want a partner but aren’t satisfied with just anyone, be proud of your standards.
If, on the other hand, you enjoy the single life and have resisted social pressure to get married, take pride in being true to yourself.
Also, remember that as the number of singles around the world increases, social attitudes towards singleness will continue to change.
Source: Terra
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