People who constantly claim everything is fine are often displaying the effects of an emotionally invalidating childhood rather than genuine stress resilience, psychologists say.
The habit of downplaying personal pain by insisting things were not that bad often stems from growing up in an invalidating environment, according to the news website Silicon Canals.
Children raised in these conditions are frequently told their reactions are wrong or inaccurate. Their difficulties are routinely downplayed, which teaches them to stop expressing unpleasant feelings altogether.
Children learn the purpose of emotions by seeing what happens when they express them to the adults around them. Studies confirm that experiencing emotional invalidation during childhood is linked to chronic emotional suppression in later life, which then leads to psychological stress.
Individuals who routinely suppress their feelings report lower life satisfaction, lower self-esteem, more negative emotions and less social support compared to those who do not. The lack of support is often the cruelest consequence. People can spend years being undemanding friends who never complain, only to later wonder quietly why nobody cares about them.
Signs of emotional suppression
Experts have identified several signs of this behaviour. One indicator is summarising a genuinely difficult month in a single simple sentence, such as describing four weeks of hardship in three words by saying it was slightly crazy.
Another sign is an inability to discuss personal difficulties without immediately comparing them to worse situations. Examples include noting that a difficult divorce at least did not involve children, or pointing out that others have it worse when receiving a bad medical diagnosis.
People with this habit also tend to apologise before sharing something truthful. They might say they are sorry and call their own feelings silly to downplay the situation in advance.
How to break the cycle
To address the issue, psychologists recommend starting with accuracy. Putting feelings into exact words reduces activity in the threat centre of the brain, which is responsible for processing fear and stress.
Stating that one is shattered and has not slept for more than four hours is a more effective way of naming an emotion than claiming everything is fine.
Individuals are advised to stop making comparisons to others' situations, because nobody requires those clarifications. They should then share an unedited version of their feelings with one person. This challenges the underlying belief that expressing emotions achieves nothing, as beliefs only update when they are tested.
People should also stop treating others the same way to break the vicious circle. If someone shares unpleasant news, listeners should acknowledge that it sounds really bad rather than searching for a positive angle.
In related research, psychologists previously explained that people who constantly interrupt an interlocutor may not be doing so out of disrespect.
