Jenatikus Vulgaris and other types of bad husbands

“Imagine, at breakfast, she said to me, ‘If I find out you’re cheating on me, I’ll cut off your penis.’ What do you think that means?

Yegor turned to me with a pleading look, as if I could help him decipher his wife’s secret message.

What could I say? The mystery of women is greatly exaggerated. Sometimes when a woman says she wants to cut off a man’s penis, that’s what she means. This does not hide a secret desire to cut a sausage from a diet or tear a banana from a diet.

“It’s not easy in emigration, to be honest,” Yegor continues, not waiting for an answer from me.

I exhale: after all, emigration is more pleasant than the loss of a penis. But I just want to expand on the theme, gracefully roll over Bunin and Yusupov, as Yegor continues.

– There are absolutely no beautiful women here, not like in Russia. There is absolutely no one to sleep with.

This is where I should tell Yegor that in fact he has his own beautiful wife, brought directly from Russia – his wife. But the woman in Egor’s universe is just a creature that interferes with his cultural exchange of fluids with other women. And it doesn’t matter that his wife gave him four children. Four ! If you have a child, I’m sure you’re surprised right now. Four times.

But for the umpteenth time, I remained silent. It’s hard to say why: if it’s because we’re sitting on a quaint street in Madrid drinking coffee and not feeling like a fuss; or because Yegor belongs to my favorite type of traitor and listening to him is complete anthropological pleasure. Let’s call this guy jenaticus vulgaris.

This is the most impudent type of husbands who cheat on their wives. They are not ashamed of their betrayals, they are even proud of them. Of course, they carefully hide them from their wives, but whole tunes are ready to sing their “victories” to everyone. And yes, jenatikus vulgaris always calls “victory” the contact with a woman who is not his wife. It feels like the American 1950s and he’s drinking whiskey with Don Draper.

Jenatikus vulgaris does not feel guilty about his relationships. He very sincerely considers himself worthy of all women at once, and all women, according to him, are born to become bright but easily removed spots on the motley canvas of his biography.

One thing is unclear: how jenatikus vulgaris managed to get married. He would run around the world as a bachelor and wouldn’t be afraid of his wife finding out about his adventures and ruining the day with a dreadful scandal. But no! Jenatikus vulgaris is still married and can live to old age in this state.

Another type of changers jenatikus muchenikus. If jenatikus vulgaris does not suffer torments about his betrayals, then jenatikus muchenikus experiences them trebly. How could he, a lustful worm, betray his wife, his children, the holy institution of marriage! How dare he trample in the mud the words spoken by an employee of Gagarin’s registry office on the bright day of the wedding! How his hands were raised, and at the same time something else, towards a woman whose initials are not spelled out on her passport! ..

But we must pay homage to the will of jenatikus muchenikus – despite inhuman torment, he continues to change. Suffer and change, change and suffer. Some particularly gifted jenatikus muchenikus confess their infidelity to their wife so that she can share their torment. Moreover, in the fact of recognition, they manage to see heroism: how could he keep quiet and cheat in secret, but no – he confessed everything to his wife! Now let him carry the cross with him, otherwise he turns out to be somehow dishonest, all alone, all alone…

And finally, the third type of traitors is jenatikus neojidanus. Before you realize you’ve met a married man, he’s already on your doorstep with a huge bag, an exercise bike, and a collection of Manowar CDs. And he announces that “everything is there”. Unexpected, right? But it’s true – someone else listens to CDs.

We can only hope that you took it as seriously as it took you. Otherwise, you will have to spend money to call a cargo taxi that will take you jenatikus neojidanus, along with an exercise bike, back to the wedding venue.

But back to Yegor.

He finished his coffee, asked for the bill, and moved on to another topic that was bothering him: “The planet is overpopulated.

Why are we so prolific? The earth can no longer support us.

The earth is not alone – I can’t stand it either.

“You have four children,” I pointedly remind him.

Egor waves his hand in front of his nose, like I’m opening a diaper bag.

– What could I do? Everything is woman! She wanted a baby, then another and another…

You therefore have no influence on this process.

– Absolutely. But you, – Yegor looks at my belly, in which two servings of churros peacefully snore, – be responsible. Remember: the planet is overpopulated.

I love such people. What they can do, others cannot. Like, they stumbled and now they take advantage, but don’t dare. I remember when, at the age of 17-18, I tried to puff a cigarette from my older smoking friend, he gave me a lecture on “Nicotine kills, I’m already gone , but I will not leave you”. While I was giving a lesson, I smoked two cigarettes.

After paying, Yegor and I walked to my hotel along a sunny Madrid street. On the way, I told Yegor that I got married. He was visibly depressed, although he politely asked who the husband was, what his name was, what he was doing, how the wedding went. I answered all the questions and told, among other things, a very funny story, in my opinion, how my husband hung out with friends in a bar the night before the wedding – which does not happen to him at all.

I confess that when I woke up at one in the morning and saw that the groom had not yet returned, vague doubts began to torment me. Maybe he doesn’t want to get married? Do I want?

When I woke up at three o’clock and discovered that I was still alone in my bed, doubts began to torment me with tripled energy. But the cat was happy – he settled on her husband’s pillow with a muzzle on which it was clearly written: “But I never trusted this peasant.”

I called my future husband. He responded with suspicious speed, in a context that could have been placed in a sound library called “Hot Spot at Night”.

– Yes dear! – the future husband happily reported.

– Do you agree?

I asked the question in such a tone that I myself felt uneasy. But the groom’s sound receivers weren’t in the best condition, and the intricacies of tone were clearly not read.

– I’m super! It’s so cool here! Such a bar, we should definitely go together!

It seems to me that we need to be more specific.

Do you remember what we have in the morning?

And I must say that our registration was already scheduled for 8:30 in the morning.

– Certainly! I will be there soon!…

For another hour, I tossed and turned from side to side, thinking how much the prospect of an official marriage registration affected the individual. The phone rang. It was the groom.

– Estimate, I ordered the most expensive Uber for me! And they opened the door for me! You should always use the most expensive Uber!

The groom arrived home in a good mood. He said he loves me, loves cat, loves life and should we all move to Goa? It took about an hour to calm him down and finally put him to sleep (the cat was very upset when he was kicked off the pillow). We fell asleep around half past six. And already at 7:30 a courier with a bridal bouquet knocked on the door.

The groom wasn’t as optimistic as he had been two hours earlier. With a grim face, he walked towards the kitchen and joined the faucet. What kind of Goa is there, would you go to the Bogorodsk registry office. As a result, at our wedding – at which, by the way, there were only the two of us – the husband wore stylish dark glasses with a decidedly clenched jaw. Sometimes a hangover is good.

Egor listened to this story and slyly commented: “Oh, I married an alcoholic.” I couldn’t find what to say to a man who travels through Madrid looking for a woman with whom he hasn’t yet had time to cheat on the mother of his four children. I walked silently to the hotel.

“Are you going to invite me up?” Yegor cried desperately after me.

N-yes. If Egor continues to act in the same spirit, he should really be afraid for the safety of his own penis. And I even admit it: a person who is categorically against all forms of physical and moral violence.