Owning our vulnerabilities and seeking help creates the possibility of being heard and welcomed
Anyone who has a child, has lived or lives with a child knows this. There is a stage of development in which children begin to refuse any type of help. Some experts call this period the “no” phase. The child vehemently desires and struggles to do everything alone, take a bath, put on socks, assemble a new toy, full of certainties, challenging the patience of those responsible and revealing a beautiful and necessary period for all of us: the beginning of construction of personality and autonomy.
It turns out, to some time (or moments) in our evolutionary journey, we are expected to realize that life is much more complex, difficult and unpredictable than our childhood would have intended. And the next step in growth, paradoxically in the image of the self-sufficient and resolute adult, will be to ask and accept help, as many times as necessary. Two things that in the individual universe denote maturity.
Know when to ask for help
On the social spectrum, asking for and receiving a ride is a cornerstone of civilization. Many years ago, the North American anthropologist Margaret Mead (1901-1978), when one of her students asked her what would be the first sign of humanized and organized grouping in the world, reflected and replied: “a 15,000 year old femur found in a archaeological site with Marche unique forms of fracture and healing”.
The answer surprised most who were expecting a manufacturing discovery or something like that. But what Margaret said to the academy on that occasion was that millennia and millennia ago someone had been seriously injured, had asked for help, had received care and had experienced compassion and solidarity.
In this way, he contradicted the idea of natural eugenics, which requires leaving the most fragile and dejected behind, and enhanced the strong bond that we have built to date on the basis of what may be the epicenter of experience more transformative and meaningful human. experiences: vulnerability. Once reported and witnessed, it can be understood as human progress, not a setback.
“Asking for help is, without a doubt, something that inserts us into the social fabric, because, as the psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan (1901-1981) says, we are all founded on lack. There is no one who is absolutely autonomous”, recalls the psychiatrist and psychoanalyst clinician Durval Mazzei, co-founder of the Lacanian Space at the Sede Sapientiae Institute, in Sao Paulo.
Our pet labels
But why, then, is asking for help so complicated? Why are there people who seem stuck in the infantile “no” phase? According to Durval, this resistance often lies in the structuring of the beliefs we embrace throughout our lives. Scaffolding that supports our identity, the way we construct, perceive and preserve ourselves in the world and before the eyes of others.
“Breaking this framework is difficult because the building runs the risk of collapsing and then we will be expelled from a safe, even if uncomfortable, place.” And exploring new ways of being, leaving aside what is familiar, is scary. He needs disposition and courage.
To give an example, Durval talks about those who seek help in the clinic, absolutely adhering to the diagnosis they carry on their chest. “It almost becomes an affront to tell someone who understands bipolarism, for example, that perhaps it isn’t like that. It’s as if they had taken away their last name. Not that the diagnosis isn’t important, but in psychoanalysis it exists to be rethought and discussed, and not stamped,” Durval says. In other words, asking for help can mean reviewing something that has a function, that controls, welcomes and supports.
In the classical Freudian conception, the unconscious attachment to the diagnosis, or to the symptom, happens to satisfy something of which one is ashamed, something that, deep down, is rejected. It functions as a pet shield, a justification for the judgment of others.
If, according to Durval, a clinician for 40 years, it is already challenging to give up this “alibi” in the professional relationship with the analyst, what about friends, work colleagues or family members, when there are so many of them? interests, ethical and moral judgments? and affections at stake?
A listening treasure
It is worth reflecting on the question: why, in 2022, 3.4 million Brazilians from all regions of the country, seeking help, preferred to call 188 and talk to a complete stranger on the other end of the phone rather than look for someone closer, on the phone. on the other hand, intimate or social circle. That’s an incredible average of 10,000 calls per day! In the third quarter of last year alone, there were almost 700 thousand calls.
The numbers are from the Centro Valorizzazione della Vita, CVV, which provides service voluntary and free suicide prevention and emotional support for all those who want to talk, in total confidentiality. The fear of judgment from others, from people close to us, is therefore a pillar of the institution.
Listen without judgment
The guarantee of anonymity and the empathetic listening of those who answer calls, in addition to the free 24-hour service, are the secret of the success of CVV’s contribution to society, which has continued for over 60 years. “We do not give advice, we do not indicate paths, we do not make value judgments and we do not minimize or valorize the suffering of those who call. We simply listen and welcome. This is the treasure that we exercise at CVV and we want to share with society”, says Carlos Correa, volunteer since 1992.
Listening that doesn’t judge or project is something almost extraterrestrial, a rare jewel. “We were simply not raised this way. We, CVV volunteers, we’ve received training and continuous monitoring for this,” says Carlos.
It seems like a welcome for the analyst, who must be free from any greed or interest in whoever lies on the couch. But the big difference is that, in this case, there is professional work behind it and the patient returns to analysis periodically. Not at CVV. Calls go through an automated system, which distributes calls randomly, and anyone who calls more than once will not necessarily speak to the same operator. “We are not mental health professionals. We are interlocutors who welcome people at the height of emotion,” explains Carlos.
This makes the difference. Faceless listening, 24 hours a day, creates a safe and supportive environment for the person to talk, to vent distress at its peak, even when it’s three in the morning. “In many cases, just by talking and exposing what bothers them, the person begins to realize possible paths on their own. It’s as if they emptied a full glass and poured out the last drop, which can overflow at any time and with anyone.”
Whoever speaks depressurizes
Discourse decompresses and organizes subjectivities. Bring clarity. But for this to happen, problematic situations need to be normalized. Perhaps one of the most hostile environments in this regard is the corporate environment. “People are afraid to ask for help, to talk about problems in the work environment, because they think that showing fragility could compromise their reputation and their livelihood. But, by suffocating the emotion, things overflow and become an emergency, as the burntvery present in the studio today”, says Estevam Quintanilha, psychologist at the Francisca Júlia hospital, in São José dos Campos (SP), reference in mental health in the SUS network.
This is when the femur breaks. OR Work it ferments the universal fear of not belonging, creating experts in giving more answers and asking fewer questions, in pretending that everything is fine, in fear of mistakes, in remaining silent, rigid. “But the company that wants to grow has already understood that, in addition to financial, material and intellectual capital, it must also invest in the psychological and creative capital of the team, because no one grows and innovates alone”, says Patricia Ansarah, psychologist and founder of ‘International Institute for Psychological Safety (IISP), an organization that supports companies in building a psychologically safe environment in which professionals can talk, ask for help, expose ideas and discomforts, without fear or shame.
The older we get, the more we need help
In both work and personal life, the solution is to realize, consider the greed and special interests we have for each other, because they will always exist, and relativize the judgments of others and the beliefs we have about ourselves. It’s a courageous and difficult exercise, for life, there’s no denying that. However, curiosity about the nuances of the human condition leads to self-knowledge and results in more authentic and transformative relationships. Reliable.
Unlike the know-it-all dad figure, the older and older we get, the more turns we ask for. Otherwise we will be condemned to repetition, like the image of the dog chasing its tail. “It is only through the eyes of others that We reached dismantle our self-deceptions and our infantile certainties. The demand for help is growing. There is no one who is absolutely autonomous and independent”, underlines Durval.
There is no need to be embarrassed. According to researcher e best seller Brené Brown, shame is a universal emotion. And it needs to be better understood. “If we find the courage to talk about it and the compassion to listen, we can change the way we live,” she believes.
By Vanessa Costa – Vida Simples magazine
Journalist and writer. He learned to ask for and accept help.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
