The qualities that highlight us and the main reasons why people find us attractive can be a blessing and a curse. Sometimes our most attractive features can become a reason for a break.
One of the most unusual words added to the Cambridge dictionary of the English language in 2024 was “Iick”.
It describes the feeling of suddenly observing something from a partner to a different angle and to find it so disgusting that it cannot be ignored.
“Iick”, unfortunately, is incurable.
Although the term can be used relaxed, it shows that a partner can have unpleasant characteristics, which are not immediately evident for us.
In fact, we may have considered these very interesting qualities at the beginning of the relationship. It is the so called “fatal attraction”, which occurs when a person begins to love aspects of the partner who once attracted him.
“It does not mean” fatal “in the sense of” mortal “, but in the sense of” prophetic “”, explains the social psychologist Diane Felmlee of the State University of Pennsylvania in the United States.
“I like to think about the term how to indicate an” excessive quantity “of attractive quality”, he says. “Disenchantment with a partner can also happen when people get what they want – and perhaps because they get what they want.”
During his research, Felmlee asked people what reasons they initially crossed by a partner, because they were dissatisfied and why their past relationships were over.
Most people have connected various needs not satisfied by their former partner as reasons for breaking. But Felmlee realized that some of these needs referred to the reasons that initially crossed them for those people.
“It is a different interpretation of the same quality,” he explains. “It is a negative way to observe a positive feature.”
“I have an example of someone here who said he was attracted to his partner because it was useful. And then he complained that he was too sorry. Well, he seems very careful.”
Other examples identified by Felmlee include someone who is attracted by a person who holds a position of high power and discovers that he spends too much time at work; Or find a fun partner and then complained that does not seriously lead his life.
Relaxed partners, easy from relationship, are not reliable or always late. “The easy relationship is fantastic as long as you are punctual,” says Felmlee, laughing.
Likewise, the partners initially considered strong or powerful become arrogant or controller after breaking. Pleasant people are influential. And those of success become Work maniacs.
The fatal attraction makes the initial attraction stronger for a specific feature, the more likely it is that it will become the reason for a possible break.
But why do the great positive points end up being the pommel of discord?
First of all, perhaps what we initially observe in our new or possible partners are the exceptional qualities that distinguish them from others.
“We do not describe a partner as” availability “or” a little laborious “”, explains Felmlee. “The more extraordinary it is, the more likely it is that people have aversion to these qualities in the future.”
He underlines that there may also be an element of ingenuity. Our initial passion temporarily blinds us to the possible negative points of an exceptional feature.
But after the initial excitement decreases, we become more aware of how these characteristics can have negative effects.
This revaluation can take place thinly over time. Fatal attraction can be a perception that awakens slowly, not a drastic reversal of judgment.
Couples together for 10-22 years have the lowest levels of adjustment of relationships.
This means that in this phase they have more difficulty resolving conflicts and adapting to new difficulties or changing their expectations regarding the partner.
The revaluation of the satisfaction of relationships is important because it provides many aspects of life, according to the psychologist Samantha Joel of Western University in Ontario, Canada.
People in unfortunate relationships have weaker physical health, greater blood pressure, a greater risk of damage to mental health and a greater imbalance between life and work, among many other problems.
A simple measure of satisfaction for the relationship is the theory so called of the social exchange.
It consists in comparing the prizes we have received because we are with a partner, such as the amount of joy, if we feel appreciated, their beauty or money, with costs, such as conflicts, possible suffering or financial investments.
People employ social exchange theory in two ways.
The first is to compare the current relationship with the previous ones. We consider that a relationship is less satisfactory if it is lower than the standard that we expect to reach according to our previous experiences.
The other comparison we can do is with the options available today. We can refuse possible partners, even if we think that the signs are promising, if we realize that we can have better possibilities with others.
These calculations will vary from person to person. Same sex pairs, for example, probably deal with higher relationship costs due to discrimination and homophobia. And, depending on where you live, there may be less options for appointments at your disposal.
So, is the best option to be attracted to a more common partner with intermediate qualities?
“I don’t believe it,” says Felmlee. “Probably the best bet is to look for someone with exceptional characteristics similar to ours, not of medium quality.”
The couples who have some similar key traits have a greater possibility of being successful.
By examining a series of 79,000 British couples, the strongest indicator of the satisfaction of relationships is to have a similar age. But other demographic factors, including the degree of training, political or religious beliefs and the use of substances, are important factors for the success of the relationship.
There are also smaller but still significant correlations, between biological factors, such as such a height and body mass index.
“We find particularly high correlations on issues such as beliefs and values, degree of education and certainly the use of substances,” says PhD student Tanya Horwitz of the University of Colorado in Boulder, in the United States.
The similarity seems to be a strengthening factor, but apparently dissimilar is only a problem in some circumstances. “A small minority showed some signs of negative correlation,” he said.
An example that seems to be really imported is that the dawn, in fact, do not seem to be compatible with the notivagos and vice versa.
Horwitz says that two very different people can still be attracted to each other initially, but they are less likely to be together in the long term.
The couples in their study were older, married, lived together or had children.
“They were, in general, people in very serious or long -term relationships and I think it really says more about what constitutes a long union and not what the initial attraction is formed,” he explains.
Felmlee warns that fatal attraction must not determine the end of the relationship. Partners who share strong similar characteristics can continue together.
“By studying the fatal attraction, we observe that it is less common for people complaining about the same characteristics that they themselves have, according to them.”
One of his interviewees was an older man. He said he was initially attracted to his wife because of the strength of his character and trust. The negative side, he said, is that sometimes it can be stubborn.
“But they are still married,” says Felmlee. “What happens here? He showed self -awareness and admitted that he can also be stubborn. He really was very nice.”
Read a Original version of this relationship (in English) on the site BBC innovation.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
