She’s A Woman, But You’re Not Yet: Why Are You Jealous Of Her Ex And What To Do About It

You can repeat all you want: “I’m not jealous, now he’s with me”, but the insidious internal logic reminds him that he was married to her, but not to you. And somehow that gives him an edge in your eyes. That is to say, he does not give, but… In short, you are jealous. It seems that there are really enough reasons: he spends Sundays with her (well, not with her, but with a child, but that’s not always consoling), he gives money to this family ( as an honest person), and all his memories somehow otherwise associated with that too.

The difference between ex-girlfriends and ex-wives is that daughters were and died, but wives were and remained. At least in the status of “former” or even in the status of “mother of my child”. It is very difficult to feel alone in such conditions!

How to fight is also unclear. An ex-wife is such a ghost: she seems to be present in your life, but invisibly and immaterially. You can’t push her out the door. And is it necessary? This is perhaps the main question.

Since it is useless to fight ghosts, it is necessary to break the problem down into components – what if it were possible to detect a material substance? When you say you were “pissed off” by a loved one’s ex-wife, what do you mean? After all, she doesn’t really call, she doesn’t come, and usually you’ve never seen her in the eye. So what are you worried about?

Suppose your moral principles, education and accumulated experience do not allow you to date divorced men. Or, for example, they may say that being a wife is prestigious, but not a mistress. In this case, the presence of a spouse in the anamnesis makes you a second-class person in your own eyes: he married her, but does not want you.

If it’s any consolation, he’ll probably regret marrying her once. And now he doesn’t even want to think about the word “marriage.” Sometimes the gap is so strong that even the second toothbrush on the bathroom shelf causes him irresistible disgust. He is afraid of intimacy. It’s no secret that your loved ones suffer the most.

And what do you really want? Get married or be close to him? In the first case, it is wiser to find a copy with a passport and nerves intact. In the second, you will have to adopt a wait-and-see attitude. The best tactic is tenderness and care, combined with total freedom. Don’t be too hard on dating him. The offer to “live together”, coming from you, may also be scary. On average, a year to a year and a half after a divorce, a man enjoys life and freedom. Then, either he understands that it’s bad for him and gets married, or he gets used to playing solo and enters the category of bachelors in principle. If you don’t mind the mere fact of getting married/divorced in a relative’s biography, if you are generally lenient with seals and stamps, then most likely your claims against his wife are more specific: he passes on her the time he could spend with you.

Of course, at some point you easily and even cheerfully reacted to his words: “On Sundays I meet my son.” He takes care of the child, he’s a good father, and that’s an undeniable plus! If you ever decide to have children, they will have a great dad. But then you suddenly find that on weekends and holidays you are left alone. It’s as if you don’t have to be loved. You have no one to go to the cinema with, you miss parties, because “everyone is there in pairs” … Resentment displaces information about the child from the brain – and you just start to be jealous.

Why why! Place. And because the person is good. Take for granted that he has the right and even the obligation to participate in the education of the child. And this almost always assumes that he can communicate with his ex-wife, discuss problems with her and participate in a family vacation concerning his son or daughter. And you have the right to know why and why he is going to the first one, how long he plans to be there and when he will be back. At the same time, your main duty is to let him go calmly, without tears or tantrums.

You can at least discuss an approximate schedule so that you don’t hang up regularly “in standby mode”. Let’s say that on Sundays he has lunch with his son and his ex, and every day at 6 p.m. he picks up the boy in the garden and spends two hours with him. But you will know that the afternoon is yours. Psychologists call this the rhythm of social contact. There are, of course, force majeure circumstances … But “she urgently needs to hang up a mirror” is not force majeure. The mirrors in the hallway even wait for the wife for months, so it’s probably not worth canceling your planned trip to the theater for your ex-wife’s comfort.

Suppose they don’t have kids and her ex is on her own with hanging mirrors. But it still exists – at least in the form of memories, of experience. Cutting someone out of your life isn’t easy. After all, with him you have to scratch out part of yourself – and thereby impoverish your life. Do you like it as it is? And that means – with what was before you. And all the same, it’s a pity when he suddenly begins to remember how everything was with them … He lies with you in an embrace by the Red Sea and tells how he went to the Black Sea. And you know they went there together. Covering your mouth with a kiss is the best way to fight. Now, if after that he opens it and continues from the same place, then it is worth explaining that these memories are not very pleasant for you. However, be prepared – it won’t stop right away. They have been together for more than a day and will separate for more than a day.

There are also quite material objects that you are obliged to share with his missing wife. The most painful problem is that of money. Why did he buy her an apartment, but won’t buy me a car? Or simpler: he gives half his salary in alimony, but he can’t even take me to a restaurant!

Well, maybe he bought an apartment as compensation – to get a divorce as soon as possible. He doesn’t have the money to buy you a car yet. According to the law, 25% of the income must go to the child. Everything else is optional. And if a free man’s main desire is to provide for his child, and he gives her (not his ex-wife, but his child!) almost all of his salary, then you’re very lucky. . Such generosity is extremely rare these days.

Until you live together and maintain a common budget, your worries about his finances are unfounded and very frightening. A divorced man already lives with the feeling that he owes something to everyone around him. Do you want to complete the list of its “creditors”? On the other hand, if there are no children and he continues to spend money on his ex-wife and save on a real girl, it’s strange. Either he really owes his wife something (so we can assume that the young man is not completely free to make decisions and manage his finances), or he specifies which of the two women is dearer to him – literally.

All these incomprehensibilities usually bother us at the romantic stage. If someone’s ex-husband offered you to live together or even legalize the relationship, chances are he made a choice in your favor. However, it is still best to discuss the budget and schedule of social contacts before saying your “Yes!”.