Why should we compare the old to the present?  Mikhail Labkovsky explains

Why should we compare the old to the present? Mikhail Labkovsky explains

Is comparing the present with the old a bad habit and a signal that something isn’t right for you in your relationship? The folk psychologist, author of the book “I want and I want”, answers Mikhail Labkovsky.

When we talk about “baggage” of love, we mean T-shirts not left by the elders, joint photos and a joint subscription to iTunes. First of all, we are talking about feelings and memories. In order to relive them, after a few glasses of red, people pull the treasured number from the halls of memory and call back the “exes”, then complain to their friends about their own lack of will. Some bring experiences from the past into new relationships. And then arguments like, “But with Petya, it was different. He has never (insert the appropriate mention).” Why do we compare, and must we always trust, the inner voice?

reporting point

And childhood again

To assess the “baggage”, it is worth starting not with the first kiss, date or romance, but with those early years when the foundations of our libido are laid. The evolution depends on the family atmosphere. It is important not only how the mother communicated with her son, and the father with his daughter. The relationship between the parents also affects how the child subsequently perceives the opposite sex.

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As adults, we are unconsciously attracted to those who resemble the libido-image formed. For example, if the abusive dad could only humiliate and repress, then the daughter is likely to stubbornly seek the same dominant, so that she bangs her fist on the table and does not give her the right to choose.

I am convinced that the basic understanding of love, on which all future experience is built, is none other than the experience of childhood emotions. For one it is adoration and tenderness, for the other – alienation and competition, for the third – struggle and anger (some for some reason call them passion).

Why should we compare the old to the present?  Mikhail Labkovsky explains

How it works

Influence of “baggage”

Of course, theoretically, most women want to have a kind, caring, generous, and strong mate. But, alas, the arguments of reason do not affect attraction, and therefore it turns out that all your connections are built approximately according to the same scheme – not always successful. Of course, there are lucky women who were brought up in perfect harmony, they do not notice bastards and scoundrels – such guys simply do not turn them on.

Over the course of life, external factors are added to the scenario taken from the paternal home: encounters, romances and separations. Interestingly, our experience consists entirely of feelings, not actions and events. Nostalgic for the past, you focus on what you experienced alongside this man, and not on his specific gestures and actions. And if in intensity this experience matches the real one, comparisons and doubts begin: “Is this the right person?”, “Can I be happy with him?” I sincerely believe that your “memory journal” serves as an indicator of your current partner’s feelings. You like and feel good with him here and now, you do not compare him to anyone – it is not necessary. What if you’re constantly “melting” – maybe you’re just not fitting in?

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This is how we are disposed: when we are not in love, we are looking for an object of adoration. With a long absence of emotional nourishment, many begin to stir up memories. In the imagination, it is so easy to return to those “beautiful moments”, after having received a kind of emotional drug. Sometimes past relationships don’t let go after a breakup. You come up with possible dialogues, defend a point of view and continue to argue and support the first one in your head. Note that guys also sin with this: if on the first date you hear about his previous girlfriend, make sure that mentally he is still with her, and not at dinner with you.

When help is needed

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Separately, it is worth mentioning those cases when an intense emotional experience turns into psychotrauma. Sometimes everything develops in the best possible way – you plan to live happily ever after, but then it dies due to an accident. Or a man you trusted in yourself suddenly walks away saying only, “For love.” Such and similar events are a great wound for the psyche. It is believed that the optimal healing period is one year. But if the allotted time has passed and the pain does not subside, it is advisable to consult a psychologist. I recommend working through the trauma before entering a new relationship. There is therefore a greater chance that the new union will be harmonious.

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life in your favor

In fact, there is more good in “baggage” than evil and deception. Thanks to previous meetings and separations, you fully understand what kind of men you hang on to and how to get along with them.

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Benefits can be derived even from unpleasant episodes. Without having an idea of ​​what you want, you will surely be able to formulate what is unacceptable to you. When there is this understanding, it becomes possible to steer new relationships down a different path of development. For example, a boyfriend postpones a date for the third time – the “red light” goes on: you know this is infuriating you and no change is expected. And then the decision is yours: watch how fears come true, or choose yourself and look for a man who will find time for you.

We just think that falling in love is what the other conjures up in us. In fact, the emotions you will experience in this union depend only on your personal choice. Don’t expect your partner to change for you and “rewrite” their standard script. Consider the experience and learn to say “no” to those who don’t make you happy.

Source: The Voice Mag

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