Tell me yes: how to learn a “culture of consent”?

Although in fact the culture of consent is opposed to the culture of violence or coercion, which has many different signs, but if we are talking about relationships, the main thing will be this: so as not to try to approach, you need to show a vigorous “no”. Quiet passive behavior is seen as a reason to be active.

It is in a culture of coercion that it is considered fair for a woman not to show interest and even to push away those who wish to get to know her. It’s called “modesty” or “pride,” which a man is supposed to overcome at all stages of a relationship, from dating to sex.

My mother had many such stories when she was young: “We met and got together at the movies. Our bus approached, the guy grabbed my hand: “Run!”, and I pulled my hand, turned around and left. While I don’t think I’m available. At the same time, she liked the guy a lot, but that was the rule of the game, her “no” meant “maybe”.

A woman from this culture might describe romantic sex like this: At first she pushed him away, and he insisted, and she gave herself.

However, in the culture of coercion, it is just as normal to assault a man, to drag him into his bed, to force him into marriage. This is a different pattern of behavior, but the essence is the same: their desires are imposed on the object, if he fought back too slowly – his problems.

The essence of consent culture is that in order to come together, you have to get an active ‘yes’. A woman must show unequivocal interest for a man to start interacting with her. Polite dialogue is no reason to offer him anything.

In the other direction, it works exactly the same way, a woman must also wait for the obvious consent of a man.

All of this doesn’t sound as scary as it sounds – you don’t have to constantly ask “can I take your hand, can I kiss you, can I touch you to… .” well, in general, for something. Of course, you’ll have to ask questions, but in many ways the non-verbal cues are enough: a friendly facial expression, a direct look in the eye, a smile, a touch on your hand.

And there we have a problem with a friendly facial expression, women from the post-Soviet space who find themselves in countries with a culture of consent do not find partners so easily, even if they aim for relationships. They feel like the man is beating around the bush, then falling completely, without showing enough pressure. She had set it up with very low barriers that a man from a culture of coercion wouldn’t even notice. So what’s up? And he just didn’t wait for direct and obvious consent to continue the relationship.

What made us quip in stories of Western bullying – “yeah, I went to his room to drink tea, and then I was surprised” is indeed part of today’s reality. You can actually visit a man and leave without sex. And if you start pushing him back into his bed, he’ll apologize and stop.

This standard is also taking root in our country, but more slowly than we would like. The romance of subjugation and heavy male pressure can still be appealing, but it essentially robs a woman of subjectivity, turns her into prey, and denies her the right to desire and express her desire on equal terms with a man. .

It seems important to me to cultivate openness – not pressure, but the ability to smile and respond with a smile, a calm awareness of one’s right to want or not to want, and the willingness to recognize that right for another person.

Psychologist’s comment:

“Women who come from a culture of coercion, literally with their mother’s milk, make a bitch face – a special face that’s designed to say ‘no, man, I’m not interested in you’ – and train themselves, under no circumstances, to find themselves in a situation that could be interpreted as the slightest interest in being of the opposite sex.The culture of coercion is based on the fact that “a girl must be shy”.

There are also advantages for girls in this situation: you don’t need to explicitly formulate anything, even for yourself, you don’t need to take active steps, because active consent, like any active action in general, is quite energy intensive (actively fighting everyone in a row also consumes energy, and from the point of view of logic, the question is which one is more expensive). However, for a woman raised in a culture of violence, active conformity is also downright uncomfortable.

What should I do with this? Take off the bitch face, learn to be friendly – but not submissive, to know and show your desires”

Olga Podolskaya, life coach, clinical psychologist