Weight Banishment: How We Lose Weight in the Spring (Desperately and Recklessly!)

Nature has thrown us, women, a trick. (And not one, but we’re not talking about the joys of the reproductive system). In winter, it’s dark, cold, and it seems like it will always be that way. Therefore, you can eat calorie-blind and wrap yourself in oversized sweaters. Beauty!

But suddenly the days get longer, the ice cube gets shorter and the sun returns from a long vacation with a cry of “Did you miss it?!” Of course, we hope to the end that some kind of crushing apocalypse is about to happen and that you don’t have to leave the cozy embrace of a sweater.

But the apocalypse does not happen by any means, and the weight gained during the winter treacherously bursts out to soak up the hot spring sun.

You have to pull yourself together and lose weight desperately, recklessly and madly. And not at all because the patriarchy demands it, what else! The modern woman is herself a patriarchy. She is going to lose weight not to please the eyes of her husband, but not to offend the contents of her own wardrobe, designed for a once slender woman.

In general, desperate times call for inadequate measures. Le Grand Minceur du Printemps – for brevity and a bit of confusion, we’ll call it GDP – begins!

And GDP always starts with a diet. And the usual boring diet like “eat less” or “don’t eat hot dogs in bed” just doesn’t sit well with us. The diet should be exhausting, painful, uncompromising. The diet should turn your world and your fridge upside down without leaving dumplings upon dumplings of a wild winter lifestyle.

Here, for example, is a total cabbage diet: replacing the entire diet, including the cabbage, with cabbage. Or the Dukan Diet is when you have to paint your diet in four steps, then remember a hundred allowed foods, put it all in the chart, and not go crazy. But intermittent fasting is the best. And not to say the least acceptable for the 16/8 lifestyle – 16 hours we starve, 8 we eat – but extreme. 1/23.

And, of course, all family members must participate in the diet of women. Because starving on your own, frankly, how bleak. Let it be business to force at the same time to starve loved ones! So that the whole family can sit in the evening around an empty table and, discussing the day, sip a decoction of herbs. Alright, alright, alright, so be it. You can take a head of cabbage in broth. You’re not a monster, really.

Only naïve young girls who have embarked on their first GDP of their life think that they will limit themselves to one diet. Experienced women who have lived more than one spring in their life know that a diet without sports is like a marriage without a wife. But the bride didn’t come, because she didn’t fit into the wedding dress.

Therefore, in addition to a diet, we choose a sport for ourselves. The same rule applies here as in the diet: extreme maximum, common sense minimum. Sitting on a home exercise bike, to which manufacturers already attach hooks, knowing that they will still serve as hangers, is too simple and banal a solution. Where better to buy a subscription to the nearest gym for group cycling lessons. And choose not just any group, but immediately advanced, with the program “Entrance to Elbrus at speed with obstacles.” Ambitious? Yes. Effective? I would do it again. Hurt? It depends on your pain threshold.

Although it doesn’t hurt to take sick leave for a few days after class: Elbrus can be mastered, but it’s still difficult to walk. But you can, with a clear conscience, lose your subscription at the bottom of the bag: you have obviously already taken the best of the cycling group.

Without excessive delicacy – the days of delicacy are over when your favorite skirt creaked treacherously on the pope – we declare that GDP affects all areas of life. Neither diet nor exercise will help you unless you start thinking like a Victoria’s Secret model. I mean, like a five-year-old Victoria’s Secret model, before they started enrolling everyone.

Burn calories where you can and where you can’t. Carry a weight in your bag or a bust of PI Tchaikovsky – which is easier to get. Download the press during the meeting. Walk to the 62nd floor (which is why you were late for the meeting, by the way).

All means are good. Yes, even sex! One calorie here, one there, it looks like you’ve already thrown away two. The ancients, by the way, recommend wrapping yourself with a piece of film to increase hyperhidrosis. Not during sex, but usually always. That is, yes, and during sex too.

Now get ready. Now it will really hurt. It will be necessary to exclude the type of leisure that has become a favorite during the winter – we are talking about alcohol, what else -. It is high in calories, increases appetite and slows metabolism. This is how sometimes the closest ones become our enemies!

PS When you slip freely into a light sundress and look at yourself in the mirror, you will understand that all the torment of the great spring weight loss was worth it. From the mirror, a slim, toned girl with big eyes in a lyrically haggard face stares at you, having survived another spring with a fight. Oops, a piece of film on the leg… Maybe the victory is worth celebrating. Barbecue and something stronger.

Preheat oven to 180 degrees. In a blender, mix chopped zucchini and boiled rice, add chopped onions. Bake for 35-40 minutes. To try. Discard. Order burgers.