In addition to satisfying desire and pleasure, sexual encounters can be a means of deepening the bond between lovers.
Imagine two or more people meeting in time and space. Sparks are generated by their bodies, which begin to desire greater closeness. Magnetism, inevitable, culminates in the sexual act. It can be casual or repeated for years, reaffirming itself as a source of pleasure and relaxation, health and vitality. But not necessarily as a way to deepen intimacy. Like this?
To understand the emotional void that tends to be created in the bed of couples, couples or polyamorous enthusiasts, we must recognize that, in our pragmatic and mechanistic society, the body is a tool at the service of performance. Therefore, efforts are concentrated on the power of sex: how many times, for how many hours, what variety of positions, how intense is the climax and so on… But, while we are distracted by statistics, something vital is left out.
Let’s lay bare our emotions
But, fortunately for us, philosopher and psychotherapist Thomas Moore comes to remind us of what we have at some point missed or even had the opportunity to realize. “Sex is infinitely more mysterious than we generally imagine and is only superficially considered when it is spoken of in terms of hormones and the mechanics of the sexual act,” he writes in the book The Soul of Sex – Cultivating Life as an Act of Love (Ediouro).
The fact is, according to Moore, when we undress so that our skin clings to us, we also expose our skin. emotionalthat is, what was hidden inside comes to light. “In sex we get to know the person in a special way, since it reveals much of what is unconscious for the partners, including their deepest desires.”
Many things can be deduced from our sexual preferences. Whether we like softness or force, whether we let fantasies guide our caresses, whether we are more aroused in certain places or situations, whether we take the initiative or give in to the desires of others, and so on.
“All of this shows us who we are, where our soul wants to take us and what our complexes, obstacles and inhibitions are. In sex we see the intimate parts of the soul in all their details”, reinforces the psychotherapist. Those who have the eyes to see and the sensitivity to grasp the nuances that go beyond the physical aspect will leave the experience much more enriched and connected to others.
Two-way street
Ok, but how can I sharpen my perception so that sex brings me closer to my partner? First of all, we must be aware that, in married life, there are two paths that feed each other: what happens outside the bed, in daily exchanges, and what happens under the sheets.
Both are important in this dance, as Ana Canosa, sex and couples therapist, author of Sex Therapy: Desires, Conflicts, New Paths in True Stories (High Life). “Often, when you’re looking for emotional intimacy in sex, but the day-to-day experience is disconnected, full of conflict, violence, resentment, and emotional distance, it tends to drain the desire and motivation to have sex.” She says all the research on sexual satisfaction indicates that marital happiness is an important component of success, and that intimacy is a major factor in making it happen.
On the other hand, when sexual intercourse is an invitation to pleasure for the people involved, it strengthens bonds, as people feel not only desired, but important. With this, the feeling of fulfillment overflows into the whole. “When someone is welcomed in their desire, without judgment and feels free to engage in freer sexual communication – both verbal and physical -, intimacy is developed and valued. Therefore, quality sex also has repercussions in everyday life,” she says.
True intimacy
Carla Zeglio, a sexual and couples psychotherapist and director of the Instituto Paulista de Sexualidade (InPaSex), understands that true intimacy goes beyond the sexual act. First of all, it includes trust, open communication, mutual respect and consent. However, the expert sees correlations between what happens in the dim light of the room and outside it.
“If a couple is not comfortable opening up to each other emotionally, it is likely to be reflected in sexual intimacy. On the other hand, if there is a strong emotional connection and trust between them, it will definitely affect the quality of the relationship. Sexual intercourse, in other words, the two dimensions complement each other for better or for worse!”
Intimacy can be blocked for many reasons. For example, some are too concerned with the satisfaction of others, controlling themselves minute after minute, gesture after gesture, to please them. Often the tactic involves avoiding comments that could hurt the partner, even if this means less personal satisfaction and closeness.
There are also those who emphasize physical attraction at the right time as a way to camouflage feelings that could take that relationship to a deeper level. After all, not everyone has reached the maturity to be able to afford a truly intimate and loving relationship.
Loose fantasies
The funny thing is that, even in long-term relationships, many people are afraid to reveal themselves to others for who they are, with their desires, fantasies, insecurities and weaknesses. If they do, they fear judgment and a sense of inadequacy and see an increased risk of rejection. “For some, emotional intimacy triggers the fear of being judged by the other, and this is experienced as a threat to the bond. If I talk about my sexual fantasies, it is possible that the other person will stop loving me, abandon me,” observes Anna.
In our desire to release carnal tension, we forget something elementary question: Sex makes us vulnerable. How could it be otherwise if it evokes primitive instincts, desires sometimes contrary to what society approves as “dignified behavior”? Therefore, it is necessary to create a ground of trust so that each person can experience freedom within the relationship.
The truth is that, behind the facade of well-resolved adults, everyone hides insecurities, secret desires and disparate fantasies, from the simplest, like making love in front of the fireplace in a mountain chalet, to the most imaginative, like assuming another personality or watching your partner have sex with a stranger. “Sharing these things can be scary. After all, we are exposing ourselves. And our society still has the idea of ​​​​sex and taboos. We are the breeding ground for this patriarchal education, even in long-term relationships. Or rather, even in them”, says Carla.
In long-term relationships, the expert says, it is normal to assume that the other person will react in a certain way, since we firmly believe that we know them like the back of our hand. Assumptions that often end in bad skids.
Fortunately, with therapeutic help, it is possible to discover new ways of experiencing affection, sex, trust, vulnerability and, above all, sexual health, which is synonymous with mental health. “We get married, we have sex, we procreate (or not), but we do not learn that sexual intimacy can be an ally in the emotional structure and strengthening of romantic or marital relationships,” she emphasizes.
There is no perfection in sex
Let’s get down to business. First of all, we need to deconstruct the idea that sex has to be perfect. Now, if no one is the masterpiece of Creation, sex is even less so. It’s normal for funny things to happen, for hair to get messed up, for the body to make strange noises, for cramps to appear, for positions to change, for condom use to be interrupted in an unromantic way.
“All this and much more are part of the imperfection perfect sex. Accepting it is an important step towards a more intimate approach. Understanding that bodies are imperfect and putting them into play with a lot of playfulness and the ability to experiment without fear improves your mood, hair, skin, life, soul and relationships”, emphasizes Carla.
Another key point: stop believing that there is an ideal situation for sex to happen. If we depend on what is ideal to achieve something, we will watch time pass. Better to see sex as a chance to recharge your batteries instead of as an obligation to perform.
The psychotherapist recommends a “quickie” in the morning, why not? It can be as much or more pleasant of a full night of sex – which, by the way, is also great. Plus, it’s easy for short cuddles to get in the way of routine. Here’s another exciting opportunity to get together and build new connections.
“Sex is about enjoying, not worrying about perfection,” she emphasizes. “You also have to practice being less critical and judgmental in life. When you live with someone who is always criticizing everything and everyone, it becomes difficult to relax, your defenses are constantly on alert,” adds Ana Canosa. Go slowly, trying one thing here, another there. One day the obstacles will give way to crystal-clear results.
By Raphaela de Campos Mello – Vida Simples Magazine
Journalist and lover of intimate conversations. When sexual chemistry is fermenting, they don’t even talk about it.
Source: Terra
Ben Stock is a lifestyle journalist and author at Gossipify. He writes about topics such as health, wellness, travel, food and home decor. He provides practical advice and inspiration to improve well-being, keeps readers up to date with latest lifestyle news and trends, known for his engaging writing style, in-depth analysis and unique perspectives.
